My...

(Just for the record, and in case you forget what I look like, this is possibly my favorite picture ever of myself)


Most days, I am generally content with the status of my life. Are there things I wish I could change? Mos' def. But overall, I am a little proud of myself- I have a job (we'll get to that later), my car is paid for, I own several pairs of wicked cute shoes, I have an incredible family and a strong testimony of the gospel. I have no serious complaints.

Today, however, is not a day where I am content with the status of my life. I hate that I am sitting home on a Saturday night, mostly because I had some work I had to get done before Monday morning. I hate that even if I didn't have to do this work, I would probably be sitting at home watching whatever marathon is on USA (just for the record, it is an Abby-centric NCIS marathon). I hate that going out isn't even really an option for me right now- my besties all live outside the Valley, and a large chunk of them, outside the state of Utah. The people I do play with sporadically have a super tight-knit group and many of them don't look too kindly on new people in their "group".

I hate living alone. I watch too much television, mostly because the noise makes me feel like someone else is in the room. I like not having roommates, and cleaning up after only myself, but I hate living alone. I like the independence of being able to travel and come and go as I please without someone to report to, but I would trade it in a second (provided, of course, that it was the right thing, right person, etc.) to be able to have a worthy priesthood holder by my side, even if it meant picking up stinky socks and occasionally falling in the toilet in the middle of the night because someone forgot to put the seat down.

This whole week, I have been disenchanted with my life. After having such an incredible week last week at Camp Hobe and having such amazing experiences, I come back to work and I missed NOTHING! I kid you not- I had 3 phone messages, one of which was a hangup. I didn't have a stack of work on my desk, no meetings, nada. It is hard to feel needed when that is the case. And then there are the people who whine over insignificant stuff and I want to scratch their eyes out.

I have also felt like a stranger in my life- like my stuff isn't actually mine or like I am intruding on someone else's life. I have felt very disengaged and I can't quite put my finger on it- not being able to stop thinking about someone doesn't help, but I know that is not all of it.

So, I was already on the verge of tears when I started looking at some favorite blogs. One of them is Mormon in Manhattan. I happen to be a big fan (but I know not everyone is, and that is fine). Her latest entry had a link to this conference talk by Jeffrey R. Holland. Reading it, I was no longer on the verge of tears- it was a full on waterworks display. But, at the same time, and in a tender manner, the Spirit testified to me of the truth of the words I was reading.

Read it. Love it. Have your heart open and it will be touched.

My mom's favorite scripture of late came to mind as I read it- "all things work together for good to them that love God.” (Romans 8:28)

Do I feel any less disconnected from life? Not really. Do I know that things will work out? Absolutely- it was a great reminder! How are they going to work out? Not a blessed clue. However, I do know they will because I have faith in Elder Holland's words, in the Lord, and in myself.