My Old Age Wistfulness

Today, I feel old. This is probably going to be a series of jumbled thoughts which may or may not string together.

My birthday is in a week- I will be no longer in my early 30s. I was on my first date 18 years ago today. The young man I went on said date with is married with 5 kids. We were on a double date- the other young lady is married with children and the other young man is a single parent (I think- at the least I know he is divorced). It was fantastic- picnic, water fight, walking around the Washington D.C. Temple.

I was outside washing my car this evening (I can't stand hot weather, so I wait until evening when I can stand being outside for more than a bit) watching a bunch of my neighborhood kids run and play and I got a little sad. What if my time for having that as part of my life is past? Will I always have only me to come home to? I certainly hope not.

The harsh reality is that there are not a lot of highly-functioning, job-holding, no criminal record having men living around me. The most interesting guys I have met lately who would be a blast to go out with with are of an age where, well, let's just say there's a big age difference.

I have thought about going back to school but all the schools I am looking at most closely are back East and even further way from the epicenter of single LDS men. I know I can't stay here in Utah solely for the purpose of trying to find a husband and that I'll find him when and if it is the right time, but still- I'm not getting any younger. And I don't want to have a life so busy with work and adventures that I find myself so far removed from the hope for eternal awesomeness that I don't see it when it comes along. (Okay, that sentence doesn't make sense but I don't want to re-write it. Deal.)

I'm not the kind to flock to the guys that all the girls want- I don't want to be be a shark like that. I prefer just to be my awesome self in my own way. I guess if that means I'm going to be single because I don't want to be one of "those girls", I guess that's okay.

I'm bored with my job- it doesn't challenge me. It is not an environment where I feel like I am living up to my potential on any level. I would walk away from it if I thought there was a chance I could find another quickly.

Sometimes I think I want to pack everything I can in my car, leave everything else, and just drive and end up in some small town in Oregon where I can work at the library during the day and one or two nights a week, work at the local market.

So, that's what is on my mind tonight- what about you?