My Christmas Spirit

"At this focal point of all human history, a point illuminated by a new star in the heavens revealed for just such a purpose, probably no other mortal watched—none but a poor young carpenter, a beautiful virgin mother, and silent stabled animals who had not the power to utter the sacredness they had seen.

Shepherds would soon arrive and, later, wise men would follow from the East. But first and forever there was just a little family, without toys or trees or tinsel...that’s how Christmas began."

-Jeffrey R. Holland "Christmas Doesn't Come From A Store"

The sun was just peeking through the train windows the first time I read this talk.  The Croatian countryside zipped by quietly.  My companion was dozing- it was really early!.  The elders were in their scriptures and the senior missionary couple was in another train car.  I was struggling with a whole host of emotions.  Homesick- I'd not ever been away from home during the holidays.  Heartsick- I thought I was falling for a man when I was supposed to be focused on other things.  Depressed- I couldn't figure out why I was tired and worried and sad all the time.  I was worried that I was failing the Lord, my companion, my mission president, and mostly, my family.

I had picked up an old magazine on the way out the door, mostly just to read, but also to prepare a mini-talk just in case I was called on to speak.  And then I came across this talk.  And it was what my heart needed.  And when I ended up getting called on to speak, I used that line and stood in a room and cried. And although my mission service ended up very differently than I had planned- that talk made Christmas so far away a little more bearable.

I'm not going to lie- I have a hard time with some parts of Christmas.  I love (most) Christmas music.  I love hot chocolate and buying others presents (especially my nieces and nephews!).  I love doing for others.  I love snow and Christmas lights and sleeping in the same room as my sisters and waking up at 400 because it is too hard to keep sleeping even though we don't "get up" until 7:00.

I don't especially love Christmas parties, especially when only couples are invited.  I got told this past week that I'm not being a good example of leadership by not going to the work Christmas party.  I've just been to too many Christmas parties all by myself and can't do it this year.

The biggest thing I haven't been able to bring myself to do, though, is to buy my own Christmas tree.  Maybe it's because I grew up in a family where decorating the tree involved (and still does involve) many people.  Maybe it's because I feel like buying my own Christmas tree is resigning myself to something to which I'm not ready to resign myself.  Maybe it's because Christmas really is about family and every Christmas gets me a little farther away from having a family of my own. 

I am grateful for great Christmas memories.  Of that Christmas in Croatia when I got a can of easy cheese from my dad's sister.  Grateful for a memory of marching downstairs in age order, blowing a whistle (a la Sound of Music).  Grateful for the time we always took to read from various accounts of the Savior's birth.

So, when you see others without a tree or tinsel or lights, don't automatically think they are a Grinch.  Some things are just hard. :) 

This is my favorite song. It always makes my heart happy.