Cocooning Myself

Co·coon [kuh-koon] verb
·to wrap or enclose tightly; to envelop or surround protectively; to insulate


I am a compassionate fixer (I may have already told you this).  I want things to be well for those I love and I want to fix things so they are and I hate it when I can't fix things. 

Because I am a compassionate fixer, I think it has become necessary that I cocoon myself this week.  Last week was rough and this week really hasn't been any better.  Last week, I'm sure my blood pressure was dangerously high- my sister had a baby prematurely and then had hernia surgery the next day and didn't do well with the anesthesia.  My dad was preparing for City Council elections in their town so I was worried about him.  And then, oh yeah, I had a 5 and a half hour job interview for what would/should have been a major career step.  It would have taken me 150 miles away from where I am now.

I thought to myself, if I could get through the weekend, that all would be well.  I'd surely know by last Friday if I was going to be offered the job, Dad was going to win election, despite there being 8 people running for 2 seats and all would be well with my sister and her baby.

I managed to be right on 1 out of those 3.  And while .333 is a great statistic to have if you're a baseball player (only 26 players have better than that for a lifetime average), it is not a good statistic when it comes to keeping your stress level down which, given my propensity for anxiety issues, I try to do.

My sister and her baby are well and happy.  Baby E had to spend a couple of days as a glo-worm (under a bili blanket) but both are home and being well cared for by Dad, siblings and Granny.

Dad was not elected to the Council.   I am sad for him, but believe his role in the election was to keep off the Council other people whose actions would be detrimental to their City.  I know he will fill his time with many other worthy causes, but the disappointment is still there.

I did not know by Friday whether or not I was going to get the job.  So, I spent all weekend not thinking about it.  Not thinking about things is hard.  I didn't find out until Tuesday that I was not offered the job- the same day I was worrying about Dad's election.  I was more worried about him that day than I was myself, so I didn't really think too much about the disappointment until yesterday.

And then I was sad.  I was sad, not because I particularly wanted the job but because every time I have tried advancing my career, it has been denied, either I didn't get the job or the timing was way off and it just wasn't going to work.  This job could have been a great chance to start clean, to make a break from the frustrations where I am right now, to start fresh with no mistakes. 

And then yesterday got a little sadder when I found out that a man killed in a car accident in the town where I work is the father/grandfather of a family I was good friends with when I lived in my previous apartment.  They are such a wonderful family and my heart breaks for them.

So, I want to cocoon myself.  I want to lay on my uncomfortable couch, wear my comfortable clothes, eat ice cream for dinner, read books where there's a happy ending and watch movies that are sure to make me cry at least 4 times.  I want to hide myself away so that no bad things happen.  Then, maybe in the spring, I will peek my head out and see if the world looks better.