Helpless!

“Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?”

I am a fixer.  I want people to be happy, to get along with others, to have what they need, to understand who they are and all they are capable of.  I am really good at taking care of myself and of others.  So, when I am in a situation where I can't do anything about helping other people, I feel helpless and anxious and sad and stressed and I want to throw things.

This week, there have been a great deal of things about which I could do nothing.  Chief among them is my impending surgery.  I know that having the surgery will be a good thing.  I have confidence in the doctor.  But here's why I feel helpless and out of control...

I am worried they will shave off my eyebrows.

I am worried that the doctor will sneeze and cut off my nose (not really, but there's a family story I'll tell you some time.)

I am worried that I will be black, blue and swollen and that it won't go away.

I am worried that it'll be obvious I have an implant in my eyelid, even though the doctor assures me the cosmesis of it will look exactly the same as a normal eye.

I am worried that there will be major scarring- that I'll look worse than I do right now.

I am worried that the anesthesia will make me super sick and that I'll end up hospitalized.

I am worried that the anesthesia will wear off during the surgery and I'll feel the knife or the stitches going in.

So basically, I'm a neurotic mess.  I'm probably not very much fun to be around right now.  So, what am I going to do?

Well, I am taking Thursday off work.  I'm going to go to the chiropractor, get a massage and get my hair done.  I have to wear loose fitting shirts for a few days after surgery (I'm going to be bandaged so I have to be careful of pulling stuff over my head) so maybe I'll go pick myself up a couple of button-up shirts.

Also, I went to my "witch doctor" this afternoon and picked up an anti-anxiety essential oil.  I know, they're not for everyone, but they have helped me in the past so I'm a fan.  Kristen is a wonderful person who manages to get me on the verge of tears quicker than anything.  To have compassion like hers is a super power, I am sure.

And, I'm going to pray and put my faith in my doctors.  I will let others serve me as I recover.  I will trust that this experience will be for my good.  I will rely on the faith of friends who have offered prayers on my behalf- I believe very firmly that when people unite their faith, that great things can happen.

And I'm going to trust myself.  And know that I am good enough, smart enough and that I am beautiful- even though I may be eyebrowless come Friday afternoon.